Themeless

Everything comes to me in the shower. And then its gone by the time I get here. Frankly, I'm surprised I got here at all. Usually I never do.

Today: Meant to make it to yogay (day number 2), failed when the alarm went off. Rolled over into B and the dog and listened to them breathe and sleep. I was warm, happy, comfortable. I didn't castigate myself too much for not getting up at the time. The room seemed dark, even though I know the sun is up by 6am. I turned the alarm off. Woke again at 8:30. Immediately felt guilt about not working on my paper. I decided to spent the morning at home, since I had to see Gina at 11. The morning turned into the afternoon.

Gina's visit: I told her about my discussion with B yesterday about money. I also told her about the "sickness" comment, missing B while skiing, the imminence of divorce two weeks ago and the absence of that possibility currently. My state right now, more stable and happy. Albeit, very, very concerned about finances. We discussed getting help from my parents or B's Dad. She seems to think I have a reluctance to accept help when its being offered to me. I feel as if I shouldn't need it. Perhaps she's right. I'm 28. I'm also the sole breadwinner. It made me feel a little better about having my parents treat me to yoga.

Yesterday, a trip to Berkeley Bowl to buy groceries. Alcohol and cigarettes have been eliminated, too expensive. I'm quite relishing the fact that there is food in our very own house. The idea of cooking seems wonderful to me. My interest in the game has waned (so has B's slightly) and is being replaced with reading, sleeping (for yoga) and a desire to cook my own meals and dinners. I feel good about this. My life, as I know it and knew it is returning back to normal. Homeostasis. The possibility of living and working for myself is presenting itself to me once again. As selfish as that sounds, can it really be more selfish than the way I have been behaving the last few months? I think not.

And what is it about this homeostasis. I cannot survive a continual tennis match of divorce/together/divorce/together. I swear it, I will break. Emotionally, physically, mentally. I needed a decision made. And its here (I think, I hope). And that is to walk together once again. I've been enjoying this, quite a lot. The normalcy. Getting along. Silence filled with warmth and light as opposed to pricky barbs, red, black, hollow yet visceral. I'm quite tired of misery. Its not defeat. I'd like to use yesterday as an example. Instead of the fierce anger exploding from me in some tunnel of hate where I am without blame, riteous, I chose to treat with compassion. Sympathy. In turn, my anger and frustration was relieved, accepted, noticed. As tears streamed down my face and I explained that it was how I felt. The situation, it sucks. No money. No money. Worry. Reluctance to take upon a second job on my part - knowing it would only end in more resentment. The idea of a loan. Still a possibility. The credit card debt sickening me.

Anyway, the homeostasis. I'm sure some might look at this and say, you've given in. You were too afraid of change. You're not supposed to be with this person but you're too much of a pussy to leave. And I say, it has taken courage to stay. There was a lot there in the first place that I loved, cherished and could not and would not sacrifice. The risk was too high. I almost lost it. I thought I did. And this morning I traded jokes, shared a bagel and curled up with my dog and I loved it. I was happy. I knew, I could do this, I wanted to do this. Marriage, a terribly long road wraught with anger, hatred, love. It is like the hours and Mrs. Dalloway. This moment in time. Today.

I was speaking with Deb. I asked her what she preferred from a relationship. Passionate swings or stability and comfort. She said both, at different times. I agreed. And we both agreed it wasn't necessarily fair to ask that of a partner. B, I think, wants the latter. Not much of the former. However, can I really expect him to follow my swings? And why, is my sexuality so tied to the two. These periods of passion, I find myself in a terribly erotic state. I think about and want sex all of the time. Generally, I'm not having it either. Then then, when things are good, stable, filled with banter and smiles and a lot of very sweet physical contact I think about sex rarely.

I suppose its the association of sex with these negative things. Guilt mostly.

Speaking of castigation. The biggest block on my head at the moment is my paper. I feel like such a disappointment. I'm working on editing it today. I finally sat down to it around 4pm today. After cleaning the livingroom, making noodles, closing B's checking account at the bank, checking various websites, writing the ashtanga blog, B's phone call to his Dad (yes, we can have the accountant do our taxes). Then after working on it a bit came a shower, this blog, thinking about preparing dinner...procrastination. Its bloody boring is what it is.

However, the day today was quite wonderful. Spring, wind, dogs bounding away from their owners, sun and a bit of warmth, especially in the sun. The air sharp, crisp and without rain.