Sex

As in, it's been great and I've been having it pretty much once per day. It's not scary and passionate sex. Its sex with someone I love more than anything. Wanting to gratify him. Feeling safe enough to liberate my own self to be gratified. I don't know, it's just been good. It was fantastic on our anniversary. For pretty obvious reasons. Foreplay - not even in a physical sense but completely psychological was all in place and I was so much more ready for it than I usually am. Somehow, this has been carried on for days. No complaints.

I can't begin to describe the events that passed on our 2 year anniversary. I'm quite sure they will remain vivid in my heart and mind for years to come.

I can't believe I spent so much of my time completely insane. I'm sure I exaggerate a bit, I was still a functioning member of society (by the standards of the average American, certainly not by my own standards).

I quit the game. I told only a few people that I was "taking a break". I can't quite delete my character or give my stuff away. Well, not until B decides to give up the game himself, but I know I can't go back. I hate Enki and I'm not sure I can deal with being annoyed with her all the time. I felt too much obligation to my static. I thought about my real life friends and how they seemed to get a long perfectly fine without an internet addiction. I was quite tired of spending 50 hours a week having an online life. It really is quite sick. I think the first day was hardest. It's easier now. I'm kind of enjoying the other shit I'm doing. Like not feeling pressure to leave work by 5, reading (and I did reread The Catcher In The Rye), yoga.

And so, I bugged Gary about getting cable installed, which I think may be possible this Tuesday. I told Neil about it and he remarked "TV is your methodone". Elaine liked that one.

B asked if it bothered me that he is still playing. I answered, "no". Because I don't feel like I have any right express annoyance at this. If I think about how I feel regarding the matter, it bothers me about 20% of the time. I have appreciated the fact that he has put the game down to spend time with me, go out to dinner, head to a lab bar-b-que. And he has, without complaint or prompting. I suppose its like he said, "I don't want to feel like I have to compete for my wife's attention". Unless I come up with an activity that is interesting enough for him to participate in, I lose out to Roguel.

Lets not complain about this - lest we look like the biggest fucking hypocrite on Earth.

There's no rule that says I'm not allowed to have opposing thoughts and feelings. Just a rule that says they may never resolve.

I spent the day putting together a CV and writting a bullshit essay about "teamwork" for this 3 day McKinsey info session in July. If I am chosen, perks include a full ride to the Ritz in Florida and an opportunity to do some in-depth learning about managment consulting. I'm not sure I want to actually be one of those people. I'm quite sure I can't handle a job requiring me to work 80 hrs/week and travel constantly.

All of that aside, I would still like to be chosen for this session. I have no idea how competitive it is. All I do know is I completed the application (kind of) and find myself all worried about my GRE scores, SAT scores, ugrad GPA, the fact that I haven't won any awards or fellowships. Generally, I feel highly inadequate. Sure, I'm quite accomplished but not when you compare me to the rest of the PhDs and MDs out there. I probably fall in the bottom 50%. Good to see my self-esteem is on the rise.

I have an overwhelming desire to stop staring at a computer screen and start staring at my book.

"The Executioner's Song", Norman Mailer. He writes such a loathe-worthy character.